TIRED OF BEING TIRED: CURVEBALLS
You know those days when you’ve planned your entire day but things just go wrong? Those days when you NEED everything to go smoothly because you’re absolutely exhausted, but
curveballs inevitably get thrown your way despite your best intentions? Those days when you just throw your hands up in the air and plead “why God, why… help me, Jesus?” (ok, maybe I’m being a little theatrical here, but you know what I mean).
I am a planner. Every single one of my days, especially my workdays is planned from
beginning to end. However, no matter how hard I try to maintain order in my day-to-day life, I frequently get thrown curveballs. To be completely transparent with you, I detest
curveballs, they make me angry, because they induce a ton of anxiety and fear within me, as
you will understand why a little later. I know whole-heartedly I have the ability to navigate
those difficult curveballs, and I have and will continue to do so, but, man, there are times
I’m paralyzed from fear and anxiety due to how many come my way. Despite the fear and
anxiety, I’ve learned the curveballs never stop coming because life happens- there are always those day-to-day disruptions that add to your to-do list, or a crisis, whether large or small, that has to be addressed immediately. But, among this sea of vacillating change, God stays the same. God is the consistent variable in the equation that is life. Speaking of curveballs, let me tell you exactly why they, even the seemingly mundane ones
that hit day after day, can cause me so much fear and anxiety. For most of my early
adulthood, I believed that as long as I had a plan and did the ‘right thing’, things would run
smoothly for my family and I. I am God’s child, therefore nothing bad would happen, right?
Well, let me tell you, I was very wrong. When I was 24 years old, I was blessed to get my dream job, a job that would launch my career because it was a huge jump in job title and salary from my the previous position (did I mention it was my dream job?). My husband and I moved from Southern California back to Northern California, specifically to Silicon Valley. Our moving day was less than ideal- it was just my husband and I unloading boxes in rainy weather, walking up a small hill to our apartment. Unfortunately, the next day my husband became sick, but we didn’t think too much of it since the previous day had been so cold and rainy. We figured it was just a cold flu…no big deal… he will recover. Well, he didn’t. Instead, he progressively got worse. I finally talked him into going to the doctor, and
while he was there, the doctor decided to run a bunch of tests. When it comes to the curveballs life throws at you, nothing can prepare you for the crises that figuratively knock you over and turn your life upside down. I was at work when I got the call from my husband that changed the course of our lives forever. My typically calm and collected husband was extremely upset. Once I got him to calm down, he hit me with the biggest curveball
of our lives- he was going into kidney failure and had 10% use of his kidneys left. If he didn’t get this resolved relatively soon, as in if he didn’t receive a kidney transplant, he would die.
Immediately, I left work to be with my husband. At that point, I had no idea what this news
actually meant. All I knew… all that was racing through my head… was my husband, the man I love with all my heart, was terminally ill, I was terrified of losing him, he was too young to die, and I was too young to be a widow. As I said, this was the ultimate curveball of my life, our lives.
Without boring you with the semantics of the following year of our lives, I will say it was filled with a lot of waiting as we tested to find a kidney donor. Let me tell you, the waiting period while testing for a match is filled with so much anxiety, that it’s incomprehensible. So many curveballs were thrown our way. There were so many moments where we were given hope, only for things to change in an instant. And, trust me when I tell you that you are angry when those curveballs hit as your husband is dying and you’re praying for a miracle by means of a kidney donor. I was angry at the curveballs…
life… at God.
Remember how I said that in my early twenties I believed that as long as I did the ‘right thing’, life would run smoothly for me because I am God’s child? Well, my husband was in the fight for his life and that made me mad. I had done everything ‘right’, and had followed the plan, yet God was allowing this to happen. “Why, God, why?” was a question I frequently asked. “Help me Jesus” was my plea, yet we still had to wait for a perfect match… beyond frustrating.
Thankfully, within the year, our prayers were answered and my husband received a kidney
from his wonderful aunt on December 12, 2012, at noon; which we now celebrate as his birthday, the day God gave him another chance at life. God will not send you curveballs you can not handle because He knows that He gives you His strength in everything that is thrown at you in life. Yes, at times these curveballs may make you angry at life and God. They may be the scariest, most anxiety-ridden things you have to endure. But, as long as you have faith in Him, in Jesus Christ, you will endure through them all.
“Don’t worry about anything, but in all your prayers ask God for what you need, always
asking Him with a thankful heart. And God’s peace, which is far beyond human understanding, will keep your hearts and minds safe in union with Christ Jesus.” Philippians
4:6-7 (GNTD)
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